Fred

( Though some people I know might deny it, at bottom I'm quiet and pure! )

You know, I know a lot of the vocal majors are probably about to slay me alive (come on, bring the pitchforks! Ain't nothin I'm not used to) but I really kinda like American Idol. New judge is hot stuff (seriously, have you seen this woman? Day-um I'd kill to have her legs), Paula reminds me of being 7 again and coming up with dance routines with my friends to Straight Up!, Randy gets me saying dawg for a week (sorry about that y'all), and Simon is my snotty British boyfriend who doesn't know it yet. And the talent can be amazing, too. And maybe it makes me a mega-bitch, but I love laughing at the attitudal people who are all, 'bitches, I can sing, dey don't know what deys talkin bout!' and they so clearly can't. The girl who was all, 'but omg I sound like Mariah Carey and I hit the high note and it was really good this time!' made me want to reach through the TV and slap some sense into her. Go figure.

But it really, really makes me miss So You Think You Can Dance. The guys on that show are SO much hotter (and some of them are even straight!), the girls are usually more talented, and I ain't never heard a single one of them say false eyelashes were like having tarantulas on their eyes: does this mean dancers are smarter, or does it just mean Kellie Pickler's a moron? Feel free to discuss. Anyway, what I really miss when it's off the air is the routines. The choreography fascinates me. I'd so dance for Wade Robson someday. Or Mia Michaels--sometimes I swear to all things bright and beautiful that bitch is crazy, but she's a genius, just the same. She makes me want to run out and choreograph something insane just to see if it works. Always does for her! She can spin people in circles and tell you she's telling you the story of a toy top that's being abandoned for new technology or something, crazy woman.

That and when their boys go around shirtless, America doesn't jump up and rebel. Damn. Is it June yet?

Oh, right, um, go Idol? Yay?

Now what's a good girl to do with access to the internet and nothing to do on a Friday night? No, AHEM, the answer isn't surf porn although I don't think there's anything wrong with exploring your sexual urges before actually trying to put them into practice. Just a note, boys, those women in the movies? Took years to get that limber. And I mean in ALL parts, you get me?

Oh, right, anyway. Got the idea from Cassidy, I admit it. Come on, ladies, divvy up, which boy's got the best ass in school? Boys are totally allowed to vote, too, but no voting for yourselves and it doesn't make you a big pansy either, it makes you SECURE. Real men can admit a guy's got a nice ass, okay?

We should also think up a prize for the guy with the most votes. A stripper or something. Complete with bawdy vaudeville music.